I was almost in an accident with my family the other day. It would have been my fault had the accident occurred. I was not paying close enough attention and in my reaction to the situation I almost hurt (or worse) my family and the family of another traveler. Fortunately for all involved others had much better reactions to the situation than I did. I have thought a lot about that moment and what could have been. So many “What if…” or “what might…” questions have filled my head as I think back on this moment. Some of the most disturbing questions have been: Would I be able to forgive myself if the unthinkable happened? Would that other family be able to forgive me?
How often do we not see “it” coming? We feel our lives are destroyed because one incident, one accident, one circumstance changes the trajectory of our lives. But it does not have to be that way. I believe most people do not know how to forgive. We do not know how to forgive ourselves, and we do not know how to forgive others. If we were able to forgive we might just have an easier time to put things back together.
Things happen to us. For some horrible things happen that make it difficult to continue to live life. At the heart of not being able to move on is the inability to forgive someone else, to forgive ourselves, or at times to forgive God. Because we cannot forgive, we cannot move forward.
One definition of forgiveness I have come across says “Forgiveness is the wiping out of an offense from memory; it can be affected only by the one affronted. Once eradicated, the offense no longer conditions the relationship between the offender and the affronted, and harmony is restored between the two.” They use a lot of big words to say the one who is offended chooses to let go of an offense to continue a relationship with the offender. How often do we “forgive” someone but harmony is never restored between us? Forgiveness has to do with giving up some of our rights. I have a right to be upset with them… I have a right to make them pay for what they have done… I have a right to…
Forgiveness lays aside those rights to mend the relationship, to restore the harmony between us. Too often we think we forgive and forget. But, how often does our mind wander back to situations and we think of a better come back, or another way to deal with someone who has offended us? Someone once told me forgiveness is a lot like an onion. You have to deal with it a layer at a time, and it might make you cry.
Are you able to truly forgive others, or to truly forgive yourself? Are you able to let go of things so that relationships can be mended and harmony be restored? Or do you settle for artificial forgiveness? Do you forgive but hold a grudge? Do you forgive but constantly bring up all the things they have ever done to you?
We do not always see “it” coming, but what we do with “it” is a choice. Will you choose to truly forgive?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Seeing Others
“I just want to thank you for seeing me. Most people don’t.”
We were recently in Fort Worth visiting my sister-in-law. We decided to go to downtown Fort Worth to the Water Gardens. My wife and I visited the Water Gardens several times while we were dating, engaged, and while on our Honeymoon. We were on vacation trying to make some memories for our kids, and we wanted to share a place with them where my wife and I had made some memories. While we were walking from the parking lot my wife’s sister-in-law had directed us to, my wife and I remembered a book we had read not too long ago. Same Kind of Different As Me tells the story of an international art dealer, a homeless man, and the woman who brought them together. In the book, Denver, the homeless man, tells a story about how a lot of the homeless men in the downtown Fort Worth area bath in the Water Gardens. My wife and I began to share with her sister Denver’s story and a little more about the book.
Our children ran ahead of us into the Gardens. I caught up with them while my wife and her sister continued to talk as they strolled towards the Gardens. When I caught up to our children, I sat down with our youngest while the others ran around waiting for the girls. Not long before my wife and her sister caught up with us a man walked by and I said hi to him. When the girls caught up we started the journey of getting strollers down several flights of stairs. While moving the strollers I heard “Excuse me… I just want to thank you for seeing me. Most people don’t.”
Tom was making his life in the downtown area of Fort Worth. Tom had been hit hard by the economic down turn. He lost his job, his vehicle, and eventually his apartment. We talked for a bit. He shared with me about his life, about his experience on the streets, and the loneliness of feeling isolated and being treated less than human by those who walked the downtown streets. My saying hi to him meant something. I saw him.
When I was in College I remember someone telling me that in a certain language “Hello” actually meant “I see that you are here with me.” How often do we not “see” others around us? We go out of our way to avoid “those” people, or to stay out of “that” part of town… How often do we pass others who just need to be acknowledged? We don’t have to go to a big city to come into contact with those who are not seen by most of the people around them, they are here in our community as well. They too may have been hit hard by the economic down turn, or unfortunate circumstances have led them into a life they would rather not be living. More often than not we choose not to see people, because we are afraid of what seeing them might cost us, time, money, etc. But when we choose not to see others, we choose to withdraw a little from community, from sharing our life. The simple act of saying hi, of waving, of asking how someone is doing may change their day, their attitude, their life because someone took the time to see them.
We were recently in Fort Worth visiting my sister-in-law. We decided to go to downtown Fort Worth to the Water Gardens. My wife and I visited the Water Gardens several times while we were dating, engaged, and while on our Honeymoon. We were on vacation trying to make some memories for our kids, and we wanted to share a place with them where my wife and I had made some memories. While we were walking from the parking lot my wife’s sister-in-law had directed us to, my wife and I remembered a book we had read not too long ago. Same Kind of Different As Me tells the story of an international art dealer, a homeless man, and the woman who brought them together. In the book, Denver, the homeless man, tells a story about how a lot of the homeless men in the downtown Fort Worth area bath in the Water Gardens. My wife and I began to share with her sister Denver’s story and a little more about the book.
Our children ran ahead of us into the Gardens. I caught up with them while my wife and her sister continued to talk as they strolled towards the Gardens. When I caught up to our children, I sat down with our youngest while the others ran around waiting for the girls. Not long before my wife and her sister caught up with us a man walked by and I said hi to him. When the girls caught up we started the journey of getting strollers down several flights of stairs. While moving the strollers I heard “Excuse me… I just want to thank you for seeing me. Most people don’t.”
Tom was making his life in the downtown area of Fort Worth. Tom had been hit hard by the economic down turn. He lost his job, his vehicle, and eventually his apartment. We talked for a bit. He shared with me about his life, about his experience on the streets, and the loneliness of feeling isolated and being treated less than human by those who walked the downtown streets. My saying hi to him meant something. I saw him.
When I was in College I remember someone telling me that in a certain language “Hello” actually meant “I see that you are here with me.” How often do we not “see” others around us? We go out of our way to avoid “those” people, or to stay out of “that” part of town… How often do we pass others who just need to be acknowledged? We don’t have to go to a big city to come into contact with those who are not seen by most of the people around them, they are here in our community as well. They too may have been hit hard by the economic down turn, or unfortunate circumstances have led them into a life they would rather not be living. More often than not we choose not to see people, because we are afraid of what seeing them might cost us, time, money, etc. But when we choose not to see others, we choose to withdraw a little from community, from sharing our life. The simple act of saying hi, of waving, of asking how someone is doing may change their day, their attitude, their life because someone took the time to see them.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Imiatation is the highest form of flattery...
It is said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. But do we really believe that? Do we really believe that?
Sometimes we do consider imitation flattery, other times it is the last thing we really wanted to do. How many times have you been going about your own business and suddenly you have to stop because of something you did or said? The next thing you do is utter those words that send a cringe through your whole body, “That sounded like something my mother would say” or “That’s how my dad used do to…” Now you have told yourself over and over that you would do things different than your parents, but we find ourselves time and time again doing things like our parents. We do not intentionally imitate our parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles but we do.
I cannot count the number of times (that may have something to do with having four kids) I have come home to find my wife staring at our kids. I’ll ask what she is doing and she’ll tell me to watch. Eventually she will have to tell me that the kids are doing something just like me, or just like her. It is sort of flattering to see your child imitating you. Our children imitate because they do not know how to do things. They watch their parents, their grandparents, older siblings, etc. to see what they do, and how they do it. Eventually the “what” or “how” is not enough and they begin the constant learning by asking “Why?”
We learn to do things by imitating others. We see something cool on TV or on YouTube and we have to go see if we can do it. We imitate our favorite player by making the winning goal, or throwing the winning touchdown as we “practice.” My younger brother is preparing for medical school. He has “shadowed” several doctors this summer to learn what they do, how they do it, and later has opportunities to ask why they do what they do. Often when we start a new job we have someone assigned to “show us the ropes.” We imitate them until we get the hang of things. To paraphrase an author I frequently refer to “Do it until it is yours.”
There are times we intentionally imitate others. There are other times we are mortified to realize we have been imitating others. But we all do it. We all imitate someone. The question is, who are we imitating and why? Are we imitating those who make us better or do we imitate those who bring us down?
Sometimes we do consider imitation flattery, other times it is the last thing we really wanted to do. How many times have you been going about your own business and suddenly you have to stop because of something you did or said? The next thing you do is utter those words that send a cringe through your whole body, “That sounded like something my mother would say” or “That’s how my dad used do to…” Now you have told yourself over and over that you would do things different than your parents, but we find ourselves time and time again doing things like our parents. We do not intentionally imitate our parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles but we do.
I cannot count the number of times (that may have something to do with having four kids) I have come home to find my wife staring at our kids. I’ll ask what she is doing and she’ll tell me to watch. Eventually she will have to tell me that the kids are doing something just like me, or just like her. It is sort of flattering to see your child imitating you. Our children imitate because they do not know how to do things. They watch their parents, their grandparents, older siblings, etc. to see what they do, and how they do it. Eventually the “what” or “how” is not enough and they begin the constant learning by asking “Why?”
We learn to do things by imitating others. We see something cool on TV or on YouTube and we have to go see if we can do it. We imitate our favorite player by making the winning goal, or throwing the winning touchdown as we “practice.” My younger brother is preparing for medical school. He has “shadowed” several doctors this summer to learn what they do, how they do it, and later has opportunities to ask why they do what they do. Often when we start a new job we have someone assigned to “show us the ropes.” We imitate them until we get the hang of things. To paraphrase an author I frequently refer to “Do it until it is yours.”
There are times we intentionally imitate others. There are other times we are mortified to realize we have been imitating others. But we all do it. We all imitate someone. The question is, who are we imitating and why? Are we imitating those who make us better or do we imitate those who bring us down?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Great Minds Discuss Ideas
I recently came across a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt. “Great Minds Discuss Ideas; Average Minds Discuss Events; Small Minds Discuss People.”
I first saw this quote several weeks ago and I jotted it down. My mind has come back to this quote frequently over the past few weeks.
Why is it that so many of us settle for discussing people? Why is it that so many of us limit our discussions to events that took place? Why is it that too few of us discuss ideas (the whys behind the events or the people)?
It is easy to talk about people. We would have done that differently, can you believe what they did… It is much easier to talk about events. For some reason it is not so easy to discuss our ideas. Our ideas are more personal. What if they don’t understand my ideas, what if they don’t like my ideas, what if they clip my article out of the paper and pass it around to others and have a good laugh at my expense…
The ideas, the answers to the why’s of life are the things we need to spend time sharing. Recently I began to go through the history of Clyde First United Methodist Church. I have shared some of the things I have learned with the saints that attend this Church. In our 107 year history there have been a lot of people; we could spend hours discussing the people who have attended this church, what they did, and for many why they left. There have been a lot of events held at this church or hosted by this church; we could spend many hours discussing the events that have taken place. As I went through the church history I began to see a pattern. The events changed, the people changed but the ideas (the answers to the why did we do that) seldom have.
The answers to the why’s, the ideas behind so much of what we do are spelled out differently for each group we are a part of, for each family we come in contact with, and often for each individual. The ideas may be spelled out differently but a common thread in all of them is that, in sharing an idea, sharing part of our self, sharing our answer to the why’s of life we share a part of who we are with others. In sharing a part of ourselves we become more vulnerable, but we also become more connected to those we share with.
Even in writing this article, wanting to share some of my ideas, I feel very vulnerable in sharing them. But maybe, it takes me being more vulnerable. Maybe it takes you being more vulnerable. In doing so others can know me and know you and as we share our ideas (not just discussions of events or people) we share ourselves and together we can continue to build our community.
I first saw this quote several weeks ago and I jotted it down. My mind has come back to this quote frequently over the past few weeks.
Why is it that so many of us settle for discussing people? Why is it that so many of us limit our discussions to events that took place? Why is it that too few of us discuss ideas (the whys behind the events or the people)?
It is easy to talk about people. We would have done that differently, can you believe what they did… It is much easier to talk about events. For some reason it is not so easy to discuss our ideas. Our ideas are more personal. What if they don’t understand my ideas, what if they don’t like my ideas, what if they clip my article out of the paper and pass it around to others and have a good laugh at my expense…
The ideas, the answers to the why’s of life are the things we need to spend time sharing. Recently I began to go through the history of Clyde First United Methodist Church. I have shared some of the things I have learned with the saints that attend this Church. In our 107 year history there have been a lot of people; we could spend hours discussing the people who have attended this church, what they did, and for many why they left. There have been a lot of events held at this church or hosted by this church; we could spend many hours discussing the events that have taken place. As I went through the church history I began to see a pattern. The events changed, the people changed but the ideas (the answers to the why did we do that) seldom have.
The answers to the why’s, the ideas behind so much of what we do are spelled out differently for each group we are a part of, for each family we come in contact with, and often for each individual. The ideas may be spelled out differently but a common thread in all of them is that, in sharing an idea, sharing part of our self, sharing our answer to the why’s of life we share a part of who we are with others. In sharing a part of ourselves we become more vulnerable, but we also become more connected to those we share with.
Even in writing this article, wanting to share some of my ideas, I feel very vulnerable in sharing them. But maybe, it takes me being more vulnerable. Maybe it takes you being more vulnerable. In doing so others can know me and know you and as we share our ideas (not just discussions of events or people) we share ourselves and together we can continue to build our community.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
More Than Food...
My mom passed away 15 years ago, but if I try hard enough I can still remember eating one of her strawberry cakes. She only made her strawberry cake for me on my Birthday. Every once in awhile, when I am not feeling so good, I remember helping Mom make Potato and Onion Soup. This was one of the meals she would fix when we were not feeling well, or when one of her friends were not feeling well.
My wife and I started Seminary in 2001. We were in Kentucky missing many of our friends and family back in Texas. Around Mid-terms my brother sent us a care package. Not knowing what was in the package I left it in our car all day while we were attending classes. That night when we opened up the package we were surprised to see 2 loaves of Mrs. Baird’s bread, cans of Wolf Brand Chili, and several other items we had not found suitable substitutes for in our new Kentucky home. That evening a friend from Texas who was also attending Seminary came over so we could prepare for one of our Mid-Terms. Earl brought over some tuna fish salad he had made earlier that day. That sandwich with Earl’s tuna fish and the bread from my brother that had spent all day in a hot car, is possibly the best meal I have ever eaten.
Food is always around us. We use food to celebrate momentous occasions in our lives (Graduation, Weddings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc.), but it also is used to comfort those who grieve. We grab a cup of coffee just to catch up or to talk with a friend when they are having a rough day. We have so many memories tied to food, Dad cooking out on the grill, Mom or Grandma making our favorite dish because we are coming over…
But these memories are usually less about the food, and more about the people we share these moments. I loved my Mom’s strawberry cake, but it is really about her taking the time to bake a cake just for me because she knew how much I enjoyed it. My Mom’s Potato and Onion Soup is probably not much different than anyone else’s, but the memory of her standing over the stove cooking soup for someone who was feeling ill, while she was battling cancer, left an impression on me. That tuna fish sandwich we had is more about sharing a meal and our lives with our friend Earl and being reminded that there were people back home in Texas that loved us and missed us.
For the past few months my family has gotten together on a weekly basis with another family to have Breakfast for Dinner. Our kids love this and love playing with their friends. My wife and I enjoy it because it is a time to sit and visit, to laugh, and sometimes gripe and complain. It is a time where we share who we are with others. How do you share your life with others? Is it inviting friends, family, or neighbors over for a meal? Or is it when you stop by to visit someone you know has been struggling with their health or struggling with circumstances they find themselves in? You never know, you might be the answer to someone’s prayer when you stop to share a meal, a cup of coffee… your life with someone else.
My wife and I started Seminary in 2001. We were in Kentucky missing many of our friends and family back in Texas. Around Mid-terms my brother sent us a care package. Not knowing what was in the package I left it in our car all day while we were attending classes. That night when we opened up the package we were surprised to see 2 loaves of Mrs. Baird’s bread, cans of Wolf Brand Chili, and several other items we had not found suitable substitutes for in our new Kentucky home. That evening a friend from Texas who was also attending Seminary came over so we could prepare for one of our Mid-Terms. Earl brought over some tuna fish salad he had made earlier that day. That sandwich with Earl’s tuna fish and the bread from my brother that had spent all day in a hot car, is possibly the best meal I have ever eaten.
Food is always around us. We use food to celebrate momentous occasions in our lives (Graduation, Weddings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc.), but it also is used to comfort those who grieve. We grab a cup of coffee just to catch up or to talk with a friend when they are having a rough day. We have so many memories tied to food, Dad cooking out on the grill, Mom or Grandma making our favorite dish because we are coming over…
But these memories are usually less about the food, and more about the people we share these moments. I loved my Mom’s strawberry cake, but it is really about her taking the time to bake a cake just for me because she knew how much I enjoyed it. My Mom’s Potato and Onion Soup is probably not much different than anyone else’s, but the memory of her standing over the stove cooking soup for someone who was feeling ill, while she was battling cancer, left an impression on me. That tuna fish sandwich we had is more about sharing a meal and our lives with our friend Earl and being reminded that there were people back home in Texas that loved us and missed us.
For the past few months my family has gotten together on a weekly basis with another family to have Breakfast for Dinner. Our kids love this and love playing with their friends. My wife and I enjoy it because it is a time to sit and visit, to laugh, and sometimes gripe and complain. It is a time where we share who we are with others. How do you share your life with others? Is it inviting friends, family, or neighbors over for a meal? Or is it when you stop by to visit someone you know has been struggling with their health or struggling with circumstances they find themselves in? You never know, you might be the answer to someone’s prayer when you stop to share a meal, a cup of coffee… your life with someone else.
Change is Growth
Change takes place all the time. But for some reason many in our society have a negative reaction to change. Or I should say they have a negative reaction to change they do not like. Changes that we like, we do not really consider to be change, just life getting better. It is the change we do not like that really gets all the bad publicity.
For many, this time of year brings about a lot of change. Our High School Seniors graduate and begin the next leg of their journey. For parents it may feel like they are losing their child, as they become more independent, as their child continues their transition into adulthood.
For others, this is the time of year where months of planning come to fruition. Months have been spent in preparing for the Wedding Day (hopefully they have also spent time preparing for the marriage that comes after that day). Two individuals make vows to each other before family and friends. Two families are joined together. Two people share their lives and their futures with each other. Major changes take place in the relationship between the bride and groom, between the happy couple and their families.
For many in our community there have been changes through the loss of a loved one.
Our bodies change every day as old cells die and new ones take their place, as hair falls out and new ones take their place, as we ingest food to help us survive, burning calories or storing them for future use…
Change can be a good thing. Change is growth. To be honest there are times I do not like change. For instance, I have been noticing that the hair on my head seems to be creeping backwards, and I have noticed that hair is appearing in places that are not as wanted. I know that is small potatoes when it comes to the changes in life, and the circumstances many of you are dealing with. At times change is more of an inconvenience than it is real change.
Change is growth, not always the growth we want, but it is growth. Once we stop growing we start dying. I know that change is coming. Soon my kids will be out of school for the summer. Soon we will be spending more time in the backyard and at our new city park. And much sooner than we think we will see our kids go back to school and face the changes of new classes, new teachers, a new school building…. I don’t know what change will take place today, tomorrow, this week, next month, this summer…but I do look forward to seeing the changes and the growth in my children, and I hope to see some changes and growth in myself. How about you? What types of changes are you anticipating? Are you dreading them, or looking forward to the growth they bring?
For many, this time of year brings about a lot of change. Our High School Seniors graduate and begin the next leg of their journey. For parents it may feel like they are losing their child, as they become more independent, as their child continues their transition into adulthood.
For others, this is the time of year where months of planning come to fruition. Months have been spent in preparing for the Wedding Day (hopefully they have also spent time preparing for the marriage that comes after that day). Two individuals make vows to each other before family and friends. Two families are joined together. Two people share their lives and their futures with each other. Major changes take place in the relationship between the bride and groom, between the happy couple and their families.
For many in our community there have been changes through the loss of a loved one.
Our bodies change every day as old cells die and new ones take their place, as hair falls out and new ones take their place, as we ingest food to help us survive, burning calories or storing them for future use…
Change can be a good thing. Change is growth. To be honest there are times I do not like change. For instance, I have been noticing that the hair on my head seems to be creeping backwards, and I have noticed that hair is appearing in places that are not as wanted. I know that is small potatoes when it comes to the changes in life, and the circumstances many of you are dealing with. At times change is more of an inconvenience than it is real change.
Change is growth, not always the growth we want, but it is growth. Once we stop growing we start dying. I know that change is coming. Soon my kids will be out of school for the summer. Soon we will be spending more time in the backyard and at our new city park. And much sooner than we think we will see our kids go back to school and face the changes of new classes, new teachers, a new school building…. I don’t know what change will take place today, tomorrow, this week, next month, this summer…but I do look forward to seeing the changes and the growth in my children, and I hope to see some changes and growth in myself. How about you? What types of changes are you anticipating? Are you dreading them, or looking forward to the growth they bring?
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